Here and Now.
Today marks two months since I left the Africa Mercy. In that time I've had people ask me if I would continue to write a blog and my initial inclination was to say no. Without being on the Ship, I didn't think I would have much to say. But for those who know me, I ALWAYS have something to say. Jokes aside, I realized that response was diminishing what I thought it was possible for God to do. God isn't limited by where I am or what I am doing. He is working all around us, we just need the eyes to see and the humility to join in. And so, maybe to my surprise, I've seen God working in incredible ways in the two months since I've been home and I thought it would be good to share.
The most common question in these last two months has been, what's it like to be home? I'll be honest here, it's HARD. But I was very blessed to talk to lots of people who had been through this very same experience and who were honest with me about the difficulties. So I would say it has been as hard as I thought it would be. And having that expectation has helped a lot (although it did make actually leaving slightly more intimidating since I had an idea of the struggle ahead). In the first couple of weeks, I desperately missed the community on the Ship. Or any community. I felt that I had no one to talk to about God. And not even deep stuff, sometimes you just want to talk to someone who has the same underlying beliefs as you, so you know where they are coming from when they share about other things. It took a bit of time, but God showed me that I did have community, they just happened to be spread out all over the world. After messages and video calls to people all over the world and visits to those that I could drive to, I started to understand what this meant. Thank you to all those who took the time to talk with me, you'll never know how much it meant.
Another question I get a lot is some variation of, do you struggle with the lack of purpose at your current job? For those who don't know, since I got back I have been working at Staples, an office supply store where I used to work before. This has probably been the most difficult thing about being back. How do you go from a job where you literally saw peoples lives transformed every day, to a job where you stock pencils and binders? From raising funds for a life changing operation to selling products that people don't need, but 'want' on impulse. It took some time and a lot of prayer to change my perspective. God showed me that it wasn't about the job - it was about people. On the Ship, sure we are providing surgery, but that isn't what is going to save their life. Christ is. At the end of the day, they don't need us, they need to know their redeeming saviour. And that's what we do on the Ship, we are Christ in their lives, when they don't know Him themselves. We are are the hands and feet of Jesus. Well, God showed me that I could be the hands and feet of Jesus while stocking office supplies. So I opened my eyes and started to really engage with people. There was the older lady who came in looking for a chairmat and as I talked to her she opened up and shared that her husband was sick and had become incontinent and that she was hoping this would make it easier to clean up. I was moved by her stoic devotion to her husband and also the hurt she was feeling and was willing to share with a stranger. There have been an assortment of people coming in to buy cheap school supplies for the various organizations they support, here and abroad. There have been families of all types coming in to buy school supplies, joyful ones, broken ones, warm parents, cold parents, respectful children, rude children, people of all types with a variety of interactions.
But the interactions that really got me, were those that happened while I was on cash, ringing customers through. I have a tattoo on my left arm that reads 'least of these' (from Matthew 25), and it is particularly visible when I am grabbing the receipt for customers. And wow - the number of people who asked me about it! I feel like whenever I was getting particularly discouraged, God would send someone to encourage me and lift my spirits. There was the lady who asked me what my tattoo meant and when I explained, said she was going to go home and look up that verse. There was the older couple who asked about it, and the man reached over and rubbed my tattoo and then said it's too bad I didn't have the verse reference on there. I smiled and told him that this way people needed to ask me about it and I could start a conversation. Some interactions have also been pretty funny. There was the man who very intensely thanked me for being a witness to Jesus and blessed me several times (very loudly). That had my managers looking at me like, what's going on? There was the young man who I'm pretty sure asked me as a way of flirting with me and then when I explained just went, ah and his whole demeanor changed. There was a lady who came up to cash (without purchasing anything) and told me that when people are angry I'm like a breath of fresh air, and then left.
And of course there are the countless interactions with my co-workers. I've been amazed at how diverse our staff is. There are people from Nigeria, the Philippines, El Salvador, India and Libya (and of course, Canada). I've already encountered co-workers who are Muslim, Christian, Jehovah's Witness, and Hindu. I'm not sure if the area has become significantly more diverse in the time I've been gone or if I just notice diversity more now. I've been surprised at the number of parents coming in who don't speak English and have their children translate for them. My best guess is that this comes from the influx of refugees that Canada has taken in, in the last couple of years. I love seeing the diversity and how patient and kind everyone is with each other.
But yes, in summary, it is hard to give so much of my time to a place that I don't feel is advancing the Kingdom and I have had to struggle through that and trust that God has a purpose for me being here. When I get particularly discouraged, someone will say something that reminds that I have changed, that I am different. I worked in technology for a few days and had some very good sales - I promise you, it had nothing to do with me, I basically stood in the middle of the floor and they came and asked for all these things. Two of my managers were congratulating me on a good sale and then one manager turned to the other and said, and she's very humble eh? I was floored. I'm a pretty confident, often prideful, person and that was one of the fruits of the spirit that I didn't know if I could ever achieve. What a testimony to the work that Christ is doing in me! Obviously I still have a long, long way to go but I was so lifted up by that and grateful for how God is working in me, even if I don't always see it.
That being said, this last week has been particularly difficult and I haven't always been proud of my behaviour. I am exhausted and that has resulted in impatience with new staff, way too much complaining and the lack of a filter for my bluntness, which can border on rudeness. It's been a good lesson though - I realized I can't just love people when I'm happy and well rested. I need to love them when I'm exhausted, sick, hungry, sad, frustrated, etc. Basically, I need to love them when it's hard. There was one incident in the morning where I wasn't thinking at all and said something unnecessary that basically cut my manager off - and he reacted very strongly, which snapped me into focus. As I went off to do my job, I started to really beat myself up, telling myself how I hadn't changed at all, and I wasn't ever going to be a Godly person, just getting more and more trapped in my own head. I then began to just lay it all at God's feet and repent. He convicted me that I first had to go and apologize to my manager for my behaviour. So I did. He thanked me for my apology and began to share some of the difficulties going on in his life at the moment and said that he was sorry if he overreacted. I had been so focused on my problems that I couldn't see that he was also struggling. My spirit felt so much lighter after our conversation. In the end, because we were willing to apologize and forgive, I feel like our friendship was strengthened.
Of course work isn't the only area where I've seen God working in my life, but it is where I have spent the majority of my time in the last two months, so I figured I would start there. It's also coming to an end soon as I transition to starting school. Another transition, a new place to live, new friends to make. And so every day, I remind myself: here and now. Be present. Make sacrifices. God gives me the strength to love, even when it's costly. Especially when it's costly. And when I fall short, His grace is there to redeem me, pick me up, and send me out again. Praise God, the source of all life.
The most common question in these last two months has been, what's it like to be home? I'll be honest here, it's HARD. But I was very blessed to talk to lots of people who had been through this very same experience and who were honest with me about the difficulties. So I would say it has been as hard as I thought it would be. And having that expectation has helped a lot (although it did make actually leaving slightly more intimidating since I had an idea of the struggle ahead). In the first couple of weeks, I desperately missed the community on the Ship. Or any community. I felt that I had no one to talk to about God. And not even deep stuff, sometimes you just want to talk to someone who has the same underlying beliefs as you, so you know where they are coming from when they share about other things. It took a bit of time, but God showed me that I did have community, they just happened to be spread out all over the world. After messages and video calls to people all over the world and visits to those that I could drive to, I started to understand what this meant. Thank you to all those who took the time to talk with me, you'll never know how much it meant.
Another question I get a lot is some variation of, do you struggle with the lack of purpose at your current job? For those who don't know, since I got back I have been working at Staples, an office supply store where I used to work before. This has probably been the most difficult thing about being back. How do you go from a job where you literally saw peoples lives transformed every day, to a job where you stock pencils and binders? From raising funds for a life changing operation to selling products that people don't need, but 'want' on impulse. It took some time and a lot of prayer to change my perspective. God showed me that it wasn't about the job - it was about people. On the Ship, sure we are providing surgery, but that isn't what is going to save their life. Christ is. At the end of the day, they don't need us, they need to know their redeeming saviour. And that's what we do on the Ship, we are Christ in their lives, when they don't know Him themselves. We are are the hands and feet of Jesus. Well, God showed me that I could be the hands and feet of Jesus while stocking office supplies. So I opened my eyes and started to really engage with people. There was the older lady who came in looking for a chairmat and as I talked to her she opened up and shared that her husband was sick and had become incontinent and that she was hoping this would make it easier to clean up. I was moved by her stoic devotion to her husband and also the hurt she was feeling and was willing to share with a stranger. There have been an assortment of people coming in to buy cheap school supplies for the various organizations they support, here and abroad. There have been families of all types coming in to buy school supplies, joyful ones, broken ones, warm parents, cold parents, respectful children, rude children, people of all types with a variety of interactions.
But the interactions that really got me, were those that happened while I was on cash, ringing customers through. I have a tattoo on my left arm that reads 'least of these' (from Matthew 25), and it is particularly visible when I am grabbing the receipt for customers. And wow - the number of people who asked me about it! I feel like whenever I was getting particularly discouraged, God would send someone to encourage me and lift my spirits. There was the lady who asked me what my tattoo meant and when I explained, said she was going to go home and look up that verse. There was the older couple who asked about it, and the man reached over and rubbed my tattoo and then said it's too bad I didn't have the verse reference on there. I smiled and told him that this way people needed to ask me about it and I could start a conversation. Some interactions have also been pretty funny. There was the man who very intensely thanked me for being a witness to Jesus and blessed me several times (very loudly). That had my managers looking at me like, what's going on? There was the young man who I'm pretty sure asked me as a way of flirting with me and then when I explained just went, ah and his whole demeanor changed. There was a lady who came up to cash (without purchasing anything) and told me that when people are angry I'm like a breath of fresh air, and then left.
And of course there are the countless interactions with my co-workers. I've been amazed at how diverse our staff is. There are people from Nigeria, the Philippines, El Salvador, India and Libya (and of course, Canada). I've already encountered co-workers who are Muslim, Christian, Jehovah's Witness, and Hindu. I'm not sure if the area has become significantly more diverse in the time I've been gone or if I just notice diversity more now. I've been surprised at the number of parents coming in who don't speak English and have their children translate for them. My best guess is that this comes from the influx of refugees that Canada has taken in, in the last couple of years. I love seeing the diversity and how patient and kind everyone is with each other.
But yes, in summary, it is hard to give so much of my time to a place that I don't feel is advancing the Kingdom and I have had to struggle through that and trust that God has a purpose for me being here. When I get particularly discouraged, someone will say something that reminds that I have changed, that I am different. I worked in technology for a few days and had some very good sales - I promise you, it had nothing to do with me, I basically stood in the middle of the floor and they came and asked for all these things. Two of my managers were congratulating me on a good sale and then one manager turned to the other and said, and she's very humble eh? I was floored. I'm a pretty confident, often prideful, person and that was one of the fruits of the spirit that I didn't know if I could ever achieve. What a testimony to the work that Christ is doing in me! Obviously I still have a long, long way to go but I was so lifted up by that and grateful for how God is working in me, even if I don't always see it.
That being said, this last week has been particularly difficult and I haven't always been proud of my behaviour. I am exhausted and that has resulted in impatience with new staff, way too much complaining and the lack of a filter for my bluntness, which can border on rudeness. It's been a good lesson though - I realized I can't just love people when I'm happy and well rested. I need to love them when I'm exhausted, sick, hungry, sad, frustrated, etc. Basically, I need to love them when it's hard. There was one incident in the morning where I wasn't thinking at all and said something unnecessary that basically cut my manager off - and he reacted very strongly, which snapped me into focus. As I went off to do my job, I started to really beat myself up, telling myself how I hadn't changed at all, and I wasn't ever going to be a Godly person, just getting more and more trapped in my own head. I then began to just lay it all at God's feet and repent. He convicted me that I first had to go and apologize to my manager for my behaviour. So I did. He thanked me for my apology and began to share some of the difficulties going on in his life at the moment and said that he was sorry if he overreacted. I had been so focused on my problems that I couldn't see that he was also struggling. My spirit felt so much lighter after our conversation. In the end, because we were willing to apologize and forgive, I feel like our friendship was strengthened.
Of course work isn't the only area where I've seen God working in my life, but it is where I have spent the majority of my time in the last two months, so I figured I would start there. It's also coming to an end soon as I transition to starting school. Another transition, a new place to live, new friends to make. And so every day, I remind myself: here and now. Be present. Make sacrifices. God gives me the strength to love, even when it's costly. Especially when it's costly. And when I fall short, His grace is there to redeem me, pick me up, and send me out again. Praise God, the source of all life.
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