School.
Note: I wrote this in mid-October, as I was on my way to the Netherlands, but never finished it. I was too excited to focus - can you blame me? But as I struggled through some things in the weeks since coming back I realized how key it is for me to write down the truths I know. That way, when I'm in a moment where those things don't feel true, and i'm plagued by doubt, I can come back to those things I know to be true, to my cornerstone. Humans, we doubt. It's in our nature. God provided the Israelites manna for 40 years while they wandered the desert and still they doubted. And so, I've realized how key it is to build that trust and that foundation, so that no matter how I feel, I still know, deep in my bones, that God is good, that He loves me, that He alone is my source of joy because I am His. And that is enough to get me through every day.
~~~
Have you ever felt like you are exactly where you belong? After two months of adjusting to home and struggling with purpose, I started my Masters program. What a difference. From the first day of orientation, I have known that this is exactly where God wants me. I was filled with a sense of peace and certainty that I hadn't had for a while. This also made me step back and seriously evaluate whether working this summer had been a God thing or a Renée thing. I realized I never put it before God, never asked Him if that's what I should do, I just assumed that the right thing to do would be to start working right away. It's what the world tells us to do - make money. Maybe God had something different planned for me, a summer of rest and catching up with friends and family. Not that He didn't use my experience to teach me many things, but maybe, just maybe, He had something better for me and I was so busy trying to do things myself that I didn't see it. I might never know the answer to this particular question, but I do know that it woke me up. How many things am I not putting before Him? How many things am I trying to do myself? I have definitely shifted my thinking and am trying to put everything, big and small, before Him.
A lot happened at orientation. As I sat there listening to everything they expected of us, I realized this might require more focus and attention than I thought. The last couple years of my undergrad I did while working full time - this was not that kind of program. As I began getting overwhelmed thinking about how I was going to manage all of this, I realized there was an easy solution - cut back my work hours. I wasn't going to make the same mistake as last time. I wanted to be fully engaged, to learn as much as I could, to be present. God has provided above and beyond with funds for school, I had to continue to trust that He would provide (and He absolutely has!). My next internal reaction took a bit longer to work through. It was this: how on earth was I going to spend the majority of my time learning and working on things that weren't taught through a Godly perspective, and not get lost in the world? How was I supposed to filter everything that was taught and explained? I could see from people's initial reactions to my story that this would be an interesting journey. 5 students are paired with one mentor and we got to meet them and engage with each other and everyone does the whole, where are you from, what's your undergrad in, where have you been working, what's your story, etc. And so I would explain about Mercy Ships. And people get really interested and engaged. They think it's paid work. And then they ask, what made you want to do that? (since it's quite a deviation from my undergrad degree). Well, there's only one honest way for me to answer that question - God called me. Ahhh. Suddenly far less interested. I left orientation thinking, how am I going to do this?
And God is good. The next morning, I was having my quiet time, where I'd been reading through 1 Kings and the passage for that day was 1 Kings 5. Solomon is preparing to build a temple for God and he needs cedar from Lebanon, so he contacts Hiram, King of Tyre and they essentially make what we would call a trade deal. And in verse 12: The LORD gave Solomon wisdom, just as he had promised him. There were peaceful relations between Hiram and Solomon, and the two of them made a treaty. Wow, I couldn't believe it! This was basically foreign relations. And God spoke to me so strongly, He said, I am in everything. God created us and He also gave us the ability to interact and clearly, He's also been in the interaction of various states, for thousands of years. How could I possibly think that He wouldn't be in this? He created this, just like He created everything else.
And so my task everyday is basically to read books and articles about current affairs and policy and then go to class and debate those ideas. I LOVE IT. We have such fascinating conversations. I feel like I bring a very different perspective, both because of my faith and because of my experiences. Sometimes the 'West is best' mindset can be immensely frustrating, but I love watching people's minds get expanded. We were talking about the Rohingya crisis happening right now and someone said something like, well why doesn't the UN just intervene? And the professor went on for 15 minutes about all the challenges with 'just intervening'. It was very encouraging to see him pushing her to think in a different way. In our ethics class we've debated several hot button issues - transgender issues, public vs. private school, religious freedoms - but from the perspective of what is permissible based on our constitution, thinking about how you properly explain your point of view in a way that is accessible to people who have different beliefs. At what point should the state step in? Is your argument coming from a moral absolute or are you making a utilitarian cost-based analysis? It's gotten heated at times, but our teacher does an amazing job of moderating the conversation. There's never a final 'right' answer, it's more about learning how to have these policy debates in a multicultural society and understand where various arguments are coming from.
~~~
That's as far as I got in October. Just reading that over again encouraged me. And now, it's November, and the last month has brought it's own joys and sorrows. My trip to the Netherlands brought me joy that I can't put into words and I was spoiled for every minute of it. Coming home, I was filled with doubt about why I was here, why I was in this program, why I wasn't on the Ship. God had already shown me very clearly, why I was here, and yet, selfishly, I was asking again. Are you sure God? Patiently, graciously, He showed me again. Yes, this is where He wants me. Through several periods of doubting and questioning, I feel like I've finally come out on the other side and found my joy again. I'm sure those moments will come again, but I know God will give me the strength to weather them, just like He already has, over and over. I see glimpses of what He is doing and I know that it is good. He is teaching me how to communicate better, to verbalize my emotions, to love my family well, to fully trust people, to love people when it's hard, to be loved. And so, in these coming months, I hold my plans and expectations loosely and trust that what He has ahead will be just as challenging, and filled with joy, as all that I have experienced so far.
~~~
Have you ever felt like you are exactly where you belong? After two months of adjusting to home and struggling with purpose, I started my Masters program. What a difference. From the first day of orientation, I have known that this is exactly where God wants me. I was filled with a sense of peace and certainty that I hadn't had for a while. This also made me step back and seriously evaluate whether working this summer had been a God thing or a Renée thing. I realized I never put it before God, never asked Him if that's what I should do, I just assumed that the right thing to do would be to start working right away. It's what the world tells us to do - make money. Maybe God had something different planned for me, a summer of rest and catching up with friends and family. Not that He didn't use my experience to teach me many things, but maybe, just maybe, He had something better for me and I was so busy trying to do things myself that I didn't see it. I might never know the answer to this particular question, but I do know that it woke me up. How many things am I not putting before Him? How many things am I trying to do myself? I have definitely shifted my thinking and am trying to put everything, big and small, before Him.
A lot happened at orientation. As I sat there listening to everything they expected of us, I realized this might require more focus and attention than I thought. The last couple years of my undergrad I did while working full time - this was not that kind of program. As I began getting overwhelmed thinking about how I was going to manage all of this, I realized there was an easy solution - cut back my work hours. I wasn't going to make the same mistake as last time. I wanted to be fully engaged, to learn as much as I could, to be present. God has provided above and beyond with funds for school, I had to continue to trust that He would provide (and He absolutely has!). My next internal reaction took a bit longer to work through. It was this: how on earth was I going to spend the majority of my time learning and working on things that weren't taught through a Godly perspective, and not get lost in the world? How was I supposed to filter everything that was taught and explained? I could see from people's initial reactions to my story that this would be an interesting journey. 5 students are paired with one mentor and we got to meet them and engage with each other and everyone does the whole, where are you from, what's your undergrad in, where have you been working, what's your story, etc. And so I would explain about Mercy Ships. And people get really interested and engaged. They think it's paid work. And then they ask, what made you want to do that? (since it's quite a deviation from my undergrad degree). Well, there's only one honest way for me to answer that question - God called me. Ahhh. Suddenly far less interested. I left orientation thinking, how am I going to do this?
And God is good. The next morning, I was having my quiet time, where I'd been reading through 1 Kings and the passage for that day was 1 Kings 5. Solomon is preparing to build a temple for God and he needs cedar from Lebanon, so he contacts Hiram, King of Tyre and they essentially make what we would call a trade deal. And in verse 12: The LORD gave Solomon wisdom, just as he had promised him. There were peaceful relations between Hiram and Solomon, and the two of them made a treaty. Wow, I couldn't believe it! This was basically foreign relations. And God spoke to me so strongly, He said, I am in everything. God created us and He also gave us the ability to interact and clearly, He's also been in the interaction of various states, for thousands of years. How could I possibly think that He wouldn't be in this? He created this, just like He created everything else.
And so my task everyday is basically to read books and articles about current affairs and policy and then go to class and debate those ideas. I LOVE IT. We have such fascinating conversations. I feel like I bring a very different perspective, both because of my faith and because of my experiences. Sometimes the 'West is best' mindset can be immensely frustrating, but I love watching people's minds get expanded. We were talking about the Rohingya crisis happening right now and someone said something like, well why doesn't the UN just intervene? And the professor went on for 15 minutes about all the challenges with 'just intervening'. It was very encouraging to see him pushing her to think in a different way. In our ethics class we've debated several hot button issues - transgender issues, public vs. private school, religious freedoms - but from the perspective of what is permissible based on our constitution, thinking about how you properly explain your point of view in a way that is accessible to people who have different beliefs. At what point should the state step in? Is your argument coming from a moral absolute or are you making a utilitarian cost-based analysis? It's gotten heated at times, but our teacher does an amazing job of moderating the conversation. There's never a final 'right' answer, it's more about learning how to have these policy debates in a multicultural society and understand where various arguments are coming from.
~~~
That's as far as I got in October. Just reading that over again encouraged me. And now, it's November, and the last month has brought it's own joys and sorrows. My trip to the Netherlands brought me joy that I can't put into words and I was spoiled for every minute of it. Coming home, I was filled with doubt about why I was here, why I was in this program, why I wasn't on the Ship. God had already shown me very clearly, why I was here, and yet, selfishly, I was asking again. Are you sure God? Patiently, graciously, He showed me again. Yes, this is where He wants me. Through several periods of doubting and questioning, I feel like I've finally come out on the other side and found my joy again. I'm sure those moments will come again, but I know God will give me the strength to weather them, just like He already has, over and over. I see glimpses of what He is doing and I know that it is good. He is teaching me how to communicate better, to verbalize my emotions, to love my family well, to fully trust people, to love people when it's hard, to be loved. And so, in these coming months, I hold my plans and expectations loosely and trust that what He has ahead will be just as challenging, and filled with joy, as all that I have experienced so far.
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