2018.
2018, oh what a year you have been. I got to spend time in Cameroon, Senegal, Spain, the US, Costa Rica, the Netherlands and of course, Canada. Some of those countries were for months at a time, others for only a few days. I traveled by boat and plane and train and car. I saw my best friends get married. I fell in love. I said many hard goodbyes. I readjusted to the West. But more important than the journey that my physical body went through, is the stretching journey that my spirit went on. The words that come to mind are turbulent, emotional and joyful.
Turbulent - Typically I'm a joyfully steady person (a solid 8/10), with occasional lows that are very low. This year, however, was all over the place. There were long periods that felt like 10/10 (the sail, my time in Netherlands), and other periods that hovered at about a 2/10 (when I questioned everything). The hardest thing though was that since coming home, it has felt like my average is about a 5/10. I've had to struggle through waking up not feeling joyful and not really knowing why. To figure out how to walk around when I feel heavy instead of my usual light feeling. And yet, there has been silver lining to this, a teaching moment (as always). I have learned that sometimes you have to fight for your joy. You have to get on your knees and pray for your joy, recognizing that God is the source of your joy. And then, you have to do that again the next day. And the next day. You have to look inside and realize that you need God. Every single day. I have learned to be so thankful for my joy, for those days when I am excited to get out of bed. I no longer take that for granted. I can't quite tell you why I am in this season, whether it comes from not living in a community that is putting God at the centre, or not being constantly surrounded by God's people, or living in a culture that is running from God as fast as it can, or from finding my other half only to be separated by an ocean, or something else entirely - all I know is that God is using it to get me to lean on Him and depend on Him in a way that I never have before.
Emotional - When I was on the Ship, there were things that were still tying me to Canada, many of them things that I wasn't consciously aware of. One of these things was my dream of someday living with my sister. Before leaving for another two years on the Ship, I remember pleading with God, asking Him when I was going to have the opportunity to live with my sister, to do everyday life with her. Coming home, I have had that opportunity. And God used it to show me that I had turned this into an idol. Not just this, but my entire relationship with my sister. I had entirely unrealistic expectations about what our relationship would be like. I moved out of the house when my sister was 15, moved to another city when she was 17, and left for another continent when she was 19. She has her own life, her own friends. She has learned to take care of herself - she doesn't need her big sister anymore, especially one who has been gone for so long. This was a hard realization, but a very necessary one. The moment God convicted me of the idol I had made of this, and I put it before Him, I felt a huge burden lift off of my shoulders, one I hadn't realized I was carrying. I wasn't responsible for her. She was going to live her own life, and I could love her and encourage her but I wasn't responsible for her. I wasn't abandoning her by leaving or not being there. We are each going to walk our own paths and no matter what, we will always be there for each other, but that's probably going to be across a large distance, and that's okay. I'm fairly certain that one of the big reasons that God wanted me to come home for this season was so that I could work through various things with my family, healing and letting go of things. And in doing so, grow deeper in my trust in God.
Joyful - I haven't shared much about my relationship and that's been intentional. I'm a pretty private person, especially when it comes to these kinds of things. But I couldn't honestly share about my growth in the last year without expressing some of the ways this has changed me. Because it has changed me profoundly, in ways I never imagined. I've been reading a book by David Platt recently, Counter Culture, and in his chapter on marriage he says that husbands are accountable for loving their wives in such a way that they grow in loveliness. Obviously I'm not married yet, but that's the best way I could describe what I have experienced so far. To use a far cheesier analogy, picture a flower blooming. That's essentially what this has felt like. I've learned so much more about God, and about His love for us. If another human can make me feel this loved, imagine how much more God loves me! The amount of time I spend talking to, texting, thinking about, and praying for my love, how much more devotion and attention should I be giving to my Lord and saviour! I'm learning to communicate expectations, to share unfinished thoughts, to express my emotions, to not shut down, to be incredibly intentional, to be extra gracious and assume the best (when words are very important to you, imagine how challenging it can be to communicate with someone whose first language isn't English and is across an ocean), and so much more. The most radical change has been this: my biggest fear in life used to be that I would never be able to truly love anyone. I know that probably sounds strange, since many people have the inverse (that they will never be loved), but I had built up so many walls and shut out emotions for so long that I really didn't think it would be possible to ever fully open up. God tells us over and over in the Bible, Do not fear. This year has been such a testament to that - God has removed my fear, and the walls have come crashing down. I know I've still got a long way to go, but that fear is totally gone. I now know that it's possible. To love so fully and wholly, in a way that is terrifying and electrifying and comforting all at once.
When I think back on the past year, I can't help but marvel at all that God has done. He has changed me and challenged me and taught me so much, always drawing me closer to who it is He intends me to be, to who I am - His beautiful, wonderfully made, child. One who is entirely undeserving, but will stand before Him pure and holy, sharing in Jesus' inheritance, spending eternity with my creator, father, healer, redeemer. 2019 promises to bring many more experiences, challenges, and opportunities for growth. All of these I hope to face with the following mindset: The cross before me, the world behind me, no turning back, no turning back.
Turbulent - Typically I'm a joyfully steady person (a solid 8/10), with occasional lows that are very low. This year, however, was all over the place. There were long periods that felt like 10/10 (the sail, my time in Netherlands), and other periods that hovered at about a 2/10 (when I questioned everything). The hardest thing though was that since coming home, it has felt like my average is about a 5/10. I've had to struggle through waking up not feeling joyful and not really knowing why. To figure out how to walk around when I feel heavy instead of my usual light feeling. And yet, there has been silver lining to this, a teaching moment (as always). I have learned that sometimes you have to fight for your joy. You have to get on your knees and pray for your joy, recognizing that God is the source of your joy. And then, you have to do that again the next day. And the next day. You have to look inside and realize that you need God. Every single day. I have learned to be so thankful for my joy, for those days when I am excited to get out of bed. I no longer take that for granted. I can't quite tell you why I am in this season, whether it comes from not living in a community that is putting God at the centre, or not being constantly surrounded by God's people, or living in a culture that is running from God as fast as it can, or from finding my other half only to be separated by an ocean, or something else entirely - all I know is that God is using it to get me to lean on Him and depend on Him in a way that I never have before.
Emotional - When I was on the Ship, there were things that were still tying me to Canada, many of them things that I wasn't consciously aware of. One of these things was my dream of someday living with my sister. Before leaving for another two years on the Ship, I remember pleading with God, asking Him when I was going to have the opportunity to live with my sister, to do everyday life with her. Coming home, I have had that opportunity. And God used it to show me that I had turned this into an idol. Not just this, but my entire relationship with my sister. I had entirely unrealistic expectations about what our relationship would be like. I moved out of the house when my sister was 15, moved to another city when she was 17, and left for another continent when she was 19. She has her own life, her own friends. She has learned to take care of herself - she doesn't need her big sister anymore, especially one who has been gone for so long. This was a hard realization, but a very necessary one. The moment God convicted me of the idol I had made of this, and I put it before Him, I felt a huge burden lift off of my shoulders, one I hadn't realized I was carrying. I wasn't responsible for her. She was going to live her own life, and I could love her and encourage her but I wasn't responsible for her. I wasn't abandoning her by leaving or not being there. We are each going to walk our own paths and no matter what, we will always be there for each other, but that's probably going to be across a large distance, and that's okay. I'm fairly certain that one of the big reasons that God wanted me to come home for this season was so that I could work through various things with my family, healing and letting go of things. And in doing so, grow deeper in my trust in God.
Joyful - I haven't shared much about my relationship and that's been intentional. I'm a pretty private person, especially when it comes to these kinds of things. But I couldn't honestly share about my growth in the last year without expressing some of the ways this has changed me. Because it has changed me profoundly, in ways I never imagined. I've been reading a book by David Platt recently, Counter Culture, and in his chapter on marriage he says that husbands are accountable for loving their wives in such a way that they grow in loveliness. Obviously I'm not married yet, but that's the best way I could describe what I have experienced so far. To use a far cheesier analogy, picture a flower blooming. That's essentially what this has felt like. I've learned so much more about God, and about His love for us. If another human can make me feel this loved, imagine how much more God loves me! The amount of time I spend talking to, texting, thinking about, and praying for my love, how much more devotion and attention should I be giving to my Lord and saviour! I'm learning to communicate expectations, to share unfinished thoughts, to express my emotions, to not shut down, to be incredibly intentional, to be extra gracious and assume the best (when words are very important to you, imagine how challenging it can be to communicate with someone whose first language isn't English and is across an ocean), and so much more. The most radical change has been this: my biggest fear in life used to be that I would never be able to truly love anyone. I know that probably sounds strange, since many people have the inverse (that they will never be loved), but I had built up so many walls and shut out emotions for so long that I really didn't think it would be possible to ever fully open up. God tells us over and over in the Bible, Do not fear. This year has been such a testament to that - God has removed my fear, and the walls have come crashing down. I know I've still got a long way to go, but that fear is totally gone. I now know that it's possible. To love so fully and wholly, in a way that is terrifying and electrifying and comforting all at once.
When I think back on the past year, I can't help but marvel at all that God has done. He has changed me and challenged me and taught me so much, always drawing me closer to who it is He intends me to be, to who I am - His beautiful, wonderfully made, child. One who is entirely undeserving, but will stand before Him pure and holy, sharing in Jesus' inheritance, spending eternity with my creator, father, healer, redeemer. 2019 promises to bring many more experiences, challenges, and opportunities for growth. All of these I hope to face with the following mindset: The cross before me, the world behind me, no turning back, no turning back.
So glad u shared Renee. Love your posts. Wishing u a wonderful year following our Lord. What an exciting adventure knowing he loves us and is leading. No fear when we trust him.
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