Unity.

I find it hard to comprehend that it’s only been 3 months since I last shared my thoughts. Emotionally it feels like it has been much longer. The turbulent, emotional and joyful adventure I described at the end of 2018, has continued.

This summer, I will most likely be spending a significant amount of time in the Netherlands as part of my school program. The reason I say, most likely, and the reason I am hesitant to share details is because I probably won’t believe it’s actually happening until I step off the plane. It started off as a Renée idea, something I thought I was fully in control of. And every step seemed to hit roadblocks. It was a slow, incremental process. And through it all, I was wrestling with God, trying to remain in control. It’s only when I finally gave up control, and said, okay God, I surrender to whatever you have for me in this, that progress started to be made, and doors started to open up. And yet, when the timing changed, I still tried to force it back in my own strength, even though (I realized this later) I’m pretty sure the way God has planned it, it will end up being a much bigger blessing than my Renée plan. I struggle immensely when I can’t see how something will work out. I want to be in control of the process, and the outcome. And yet, God has shown me again and again, that His ways are so much better than my ways. It always works out much better than anything I could have planned. And so, it’s this constant journey of learning to give things up to God and trusting Him.

After this wrestling with God, came a season of absolute joy. Kees came to Canada and was able to meet all my friends and family. Having him here, and watching him so easily become part of the family, was incredible. My heart was overflowing. He’s been such a part of my life that my family felt like they already knew him. He also proposed! I had a pretty good idea of what was happening and laughed the whole time (for those who know me, this is my initial emotional response to all things). Laughter aside, he was incredibly intentional and sweet and thoughtful and the whole moment was perfect. The ring is one of a kind, made by Kees from a piece of the Africa Mercy, and the promise of a lifetime together brought comfort and peace to my soul.

We always think we know exactly how things will go, don’t we? At least I do. I thought that being engaged would make things a lot easier. In fact, it made things a lot harder for me mentally. To be engaged and have him far away was challenging. I began to doubt myself and all my choices. Every week felt like a new mental challenge. I began to be anxious, for what feels like the first time in my life. Talking about the wedding became a big source of anxiety - not because I don’t want to get married (I definitely do!) but because of all the compromise and ceremony involved in combining two cultures and families and ways of life (I am quite stubborn after all). Recently I met with my pastor’s wife and she had some deep wisdom for me. She drew a tree and said that while the feelings of doubt or anxiety were the fruit, I needed to look at the thoughts behind that (the trunk of tree) and then even deeper to the beliefs behind that (the roots of the tree). The thoughts behind my feelings of doubt were that I was going to sin and mess all of this up. So I thought about the belief behind this. The belief was a lack of faith in God’s sovereignty. I was forgetting that God already conquered sin and shame, that I did not need to be afraid, that I needed to trust in Him. She shared 2 Corinthians 10:5, We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. What a powerful image, of taking every thought captive and making it obey Christ!

Another moment that God spoke to me in this was a few days before when I went to a lenten retreat. One lady talked about something she called seasons of desolation, but essentially those seasons when God feels far away (Psalm 13 is a good example of David’s experience with this). She said, when you are in one of these seasons, do not make a change. Continue on the course you were on before this season started. It’s likely not the Holy Spirit guiding you but your own sinful spirit or the spirit of the enemy. Hearing this, I felt like such a weight lifted off my shoulders, and a big sense of peace. I had been doubting myself so much and wondering if I should change things, and here was my answer: stay the course.

The final big moment that has helped me out of this was something that one of my wise, married friends told me. He talked about the importance of unity in a marriage, and how marriage is such an important tool against the enemy, that he will try and divide us. I hadn’t really thought about it in that way before, the importance of being united. The pastor’s wife also talked to me about this. She said that if you and your husband are not united on something, wait. It’s not that you are waiting on your husband, but waiting on the LORD. Psalm 27:14 tells us, Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. And so Kees and I have begun to pray for unity every day.

And so all of these moments, plus many other smaller ones, have caused a change of spirit in me. My joy has returned. I am refocused on Christ. I also realized the importance of being surrounded by Godly people. I’m fairly certain I made this season much harder on myself but not getting immediately involved in the church. Every time I was invited to go out to lunch with people afterwards, I would decline. I knew I should go, but there was a part of me that was very reluctant to make new friends only to have to leave again soon. I knew it was the wrong attitude but it’s probably also what led to me not joining a small group and not serving in the church. I think all of this was to my detriment. Refocusing on God required input from many Godly people, to point me to Him when I was too focused on myself. And so another take away from this season is the absolute importance of the body of Christ, of surrounding yourself with believers, of being part of a Christ-centered church.

All of this to say that the growing and changing never seems to stop. Which makes sense because God loves us too much to leave us in our brokenness. So He is refining us and making us holy, so that one day we may have pure hearts and clean lips. I’m so thankful for His graciousness and gentleness in this season, for the way He sends people to speak wisdom into my life, for the way He is there in the darkest valleys and on the highest mountaintops. That He will never leave us or forsake us. Yes I will, lift you high in the lowest valleys, yes I will, bless Your name. Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy, all my days, oh yes I will.